Chess: A Tale of Love-Hate Relationship

I’m not good at chess by any means. In fact, I’m ranked in the top 1% of several other games I play, while I’m only ranked around the top 5% in chess. I’ve quit chess several times. I’ve sworn to never play the game again more times than I care to admit. However, if you ask me what my favorite game is, I’ll answer “Chess” without missing a beat. If you forced me to play only one game for the rest of my life, again, I’d choose chess.

My earliest memory of chess was when I played with a distant family member when I was six years old (I think). He gave me a chess book, though I don’t even remember if I finished reading it. Occasionally, I would play chess with rickshaw drivers around my neighborhood. However, I didn’t pick it up seriously until high school, where I became completely hooked on the game. My obsession grew to the point that my main criterion for choosing a university was whether it had a reputable chess club.

I believe that we don’t simply choose our hobbies; our hobbies choose us. One can’t choose to obsess over something. We simply do.

There’s something mesmerizing about chess, almost a magical aura. This is a game that has been around for more than a millennium and will be around for millennia to come. It takes five minutes to learn the rules but a lifetime to master. There are no “patches” from a game developer to shake things up or keep the game interesting, yet many people have played it for more than 50 years. The game looks so simple, yet it is cruelly hard. Even today, top chess engines on powerful computers are still beating each other.

I view the likes of Magnus Carlsen and Hikaru Nakamura as demigods. I was not around when Fischer and Kasparov hit their peaks, but I’m grateful I get to witness Carlsen play.

However, on the flip side, chess is the game I hate the most. Chess is inherently competitive. Yes, you’ll feel great when you manage to execute a beautiful queen sacrifice, a smothered mate, or flag your opponent 😛, but it comes at a price: you feel like garbage when you lose.

It’s a one-on-one game with very little luck involved. Unlike multiplayer games, if you lose, there’s no teammate to blame. Unlike gambling, there’s no misfortune to point to. Chess is unforgiving; there’s nowhere to hide. The better player almost always wins. When you lose, there’s this feeling that you’re less intelligent than your opponent (of course, this is not the case; intelligence is domain-dependent). I can’t bring myself to play competitive chess anymore. When I inevitably lose, the feelings that come with it are just not worth it.

Do I love chess? Absolutely. It’s the game of my life. Sadly, I’m just too weak and too slow.